Why Assumed Authority Erodes Connection

There’s a dynamic that many people may recognize. It’s often called “mansplaining,” though I think a more accurate name is assumed authority or hierarchal positioning. The term mansplaining was inspired by Rebecca Solnit’s 2008 essay Men Explain Things to Me. In the essay, she shares a story of a man confidently lecturing her about a book… that she herself had written – without allowing her to get a word in edgewise. In fact, if I recall correctly, another person even tried to explain that SHE was the author – and he just could not hear it.

What made the piece resonate with readers wasn’t just the irony of the situation. It was that it named a pattern so many people had experienced but didn’t quite have language for. Interestingly, Solnit never even used the word “mansplaining”; that came later. And while the term points to a gendered pattern, and her work focuses on that aspect, this dynamic isn’t limited to men. We are all guilty of doing this sometimes.  I’ve experienced it A LOT. And I’ve done it too…

At its core, assumed authority is consciously or unconsciously believing that you are more knowledgeable than the person in front of you, usually based on gender, age, race, class, other assumptions, or subconsciously trying to manage how you’re being percieved.  Paired that with the absence of curiosity and you have assumed authority. It’s the moment when someone decides – without asking – who you are, what you know, and assumes that you want or need advice or information.

Usually no explicate harm is intended. However, it causes relational rupture and flattens the person in front of us.  Assumed authority demonstrates a lack of attunement. Attunement is basically being able to be present with and energetically tap into the person you are relating with. You see them as an individual with needs, emotions, and a unique personal story. This is the opposite of relying on brain shortcuts like stereotypes or assumptions. To be honest, because our brain likes to conserve energy, we have ALL been guilty of this at one time or another.

The problem isn’t giving explanations or teaching. It’s the absence of curiosity and permission first. When we prioritize being seen as knowledgeable over taking the time to see the other person or situation clearly, we create disconnection disguised as being helpful. We assume ignorance (“You must not know this.”)  and act on uninvited authority (“I will teach you.”). The receiver is being place into a role – student, seeker, novice, etc. – based on an assumption.

Assumed authority is the need of the giver to stabilize and validate THEIR identity (Ego) and role in a relationship, especially when it’s unclear. It’s about the giver’s need to feel knowledgeable, needed, or superior – even if they mean well. That’s why it lands as sour for the receiver.

Further rupture happens because it pushes the receiver to explain themselves, correct, defend, etc. as an attempt to feel understood and connected. This usually doesn’t work – unless awareness is brought to the dynamic (and the relationship is worth the effort). The receiver, if they choose to interact, will usually end up feeling even more unseen the more they try to be seen in the dynamic. Or, if the receiver’s Ego is well managed, will fall into simple gratitude and silence.

The antidote to assumed authority is awareness and curiosity. If you find yourself wanting to share information, begin by questioning whether the person in front of you is ACTUALLY asking you for or needing the information. Or are you assuming they are?

Then begin with questions like the following:

“What is your experience with _____?”

“How do you relate to _____?”

“Where are you in your process of ____?”

Or ask yourself, “Am I wanting to share more with them then they are asking for or than is appropriate for the relationship?”

This allows space for being seen, being known, and being understood – mutually.

As we nurture a solid sense of self, our participation in this dynamic will decrease. Or at least we will catch ourselves when we start to enter it, either as the information dumper OR the receiver. For me, I know I’m beginning to info dump when the person I’m talking to begins to be less animated. They might get a glazed, frozen, or resigned look on their face. If it is over text, look for balance or lack of balance in what’s being given and received.

Attunement is looking for non-verbal clues to help us know when to pause and ask questions instead of continuing to ramble on and on, over-sharing without permission.

As the receiver, if I begin to get a pain in my chest and feel like I want to explain or defend myself (maybe feeling offended, unseen, or even attacked), that’s my cue to pause. If I’m in a relationship that I value, I will speak up and verbalize how I am feeling (giving an opportunity for clarity on both sides). If it’s a casual relationship, I will disengage.

At this point, I don’t give my energy to unbalanced relating. I have spent a lot of energy subconsciously trying to manage the perception that others have of me, and honestly, in most cases – I no longer care. The people who love me and want to know me, put in the effort to do so. I no longer waste time or energy trying to convince anyone of my value, knowledge, or uniqueness.

The more solid we can be in ourselves, the less we feel driven to explain or persuade others to see us “accurately” - on either end of this spectrum.

Feeling deeply and authentically connected begins with our own inner work. It begins with a belief and confidence in ourselves because the template we apply to our own psyche, is the template we apply to others. Little progress will be made until we make progress with ourselves. This is not an excuse for any of the “-isms,” or meant to cause anyone to collapse into self-shame or blame. It is just to say, it is easy to waste energy and time trying to convince others to see and validate us when they may never do that. Give yourself the gift of your time and energy back. This is not about - not standing up for yourself. It’s about knowing when it’s worth it.

And that’s all I have to say about that… For now…