Another Death of the Over-Giver: Integration & Interdependence
It turns out today I'm having a funeral. Thankfully it's not for anybody who was living... Just a part of me that's still living inside of me. It’s the death of the Over-giver., the People Pleaser.
The obituary reads...
“Ode to my people pleaser - She was devoted. Loyal. Tireless. She poured herself into people, projects, and partnerships that didn’t always pour back. She stayed long after her heart knew it was time to go. She apologized when others should have. She smiled through betrayal, rationalized red flags, and over-functioned her way into feeling needed.
She meant well. She believed she was being loving. She was trying to keep herself safe. But – she had to go, she couldn’t stay. So good-bye, again, Penelope People-Pleaser. You will be missed. Well actually... not really. But thank you just the same for your service.”
Over the last five years my people pleaser has had the opportunity to face death again and again. In the beginning, it happened in easier places- with strangers, neighbors, clients, acquaintances... The crazy buyers I had to interact with to sell my house in 2022 who wanted me to rip out all the walls and the kitchen floor… oh sorry, I digress...
But seriously – they were mostly people whose approval didn't hold a lot of weight. It didn't feel personal, although it was still hard. But as I've continued to grow, the lessons have moved closer and closer to my center. Closer to my heart. Closer to the people whose opinions matter the most. Closer to the space where love and belonging feel intertwined with survival. Closer to my greatest desire for love and connection. Each layer has asked me to reclaim a deeper level of sovereignty over my habit of self-abandonment.
And each time it's been painful because it touches the roots of who I’ve believed I’ve had to be in order to be loved.
Ironically our topic just today was Interdependence and the discussion was RICH. As I drove home, I was thinking about this ache inside me.
“I’m choosing myself, why does it hurt so damn badly?”
Oh. Because this is where the rubber meets the road. And there is smoke and funky tire burning smell… Just kidding. But seriously – these are the moments when healing in theory become healing in action. It’s where our internal and external practices meet – and sometimes collide quite uncomfortably.
I realized the people please who is having to step aside AGAIN is still terrified –
“But if I’m not here to keep you safe, will you every be loved?”
Ooof. Even typing it out hits me in the gut.
But this is why interdependence matters so much.
Healing doesn’t happen solely in isolation. It happens in the mirror of relationship - in the moments we stand at the crossroads between our old reflex and our new healing and decide - This time I don’t abandon ME.
It’s easy to feel healed when we’re alone on our meditation cushion, journaling our insights, or listening to a podcast about boundaries - yelling out loud, “YEAH Glennon Doyle! THAT’S RIGHT!” Ok maybe it’s there too because we do have to BELIEVE it is possible first… AND… the next level of work begins when the heart is on the line. When connection is at risk. It’s the moment when someone pulls away when we set a boundary. It’s when disappointment lands like an arrow in our chest. It’s when an old longing resurfaces and we have to choose whether to chase or to center.
That’s when healing stops being a concept and starts becomes a practice.
The pain I’m feeling right now IS the healing.
It’s my system continuing it’s recalibration from self-abandonment to self-honor. It’s the embodiment of everything I’ve been teaching - not as an idea, but as a lived truth.
Grief and growth often come hand in hand. I’m not ashamed of this death anymore. Or embarrassed that it has to KEEP happening. I honor it. I thank Penelope People pleaser for her service. And now I gently release her from duty.
I am continuing to learn this new rhythm - one where love doesn’t cost me my Selfhood.
And maybe, just maybe, this is what true interdependence means…
To give with open hands, to receive with open heart, and to remember that both are sacred.
All My Love,
Reh