From Values to Needs: Radical Acceptance of How You Receive Love

Understanding how to create love and safety for ourselves is a critical part of learning self-trust. Often the advice we hear is: start with your values.

That's where I began too. And yes clarifying your values is important. But here's what I discovered:

The clearer I got on who I am and what I want, the more I realized that all the value charts, lists, and diagrams I was making were really reflections of what I already love about myself. They were mirrors of the qualities I most admire in ME.

That insight was helpful and values can certainly be a good gauge of compatibility. But then I hit a snag. What happens if I met someone I really like, but a few of our values don't line up? Which ones are truly non-negotiable? Which can flex? The more scenarios I played out in my head, the more confused I became. Instead of feeling grounded, I trusted myself less.

That's when I realized... Values weren't the final layer. I had to go deeper.

In my opinion, healthy relationships don't fill our voids. They do highlight and enhance our best qualities and can create deep levels of healing. Think about it - have you ever seen a couple that seemed to bring out the worst in each other, versus a couple that brought out the best? This can be true in both romantic and platonic relationships.

You can probably pinpoint people in your own life who either lift you into a higher vibration or pull you into a lower one. This doesn't mean we're fake or chameleons - it means we're adaptable creatures who naturally attune to the people we're around, especially if we're sensitive and emotionally aware.

The challenge is that this adaptability can also cause us to lose our center if we are not careful. That is why it's so important to understand what you value, and to notice where and with whom you're investing your time and energy.

That being said, over the last two years I noticed something.

I was attracting men who checked many of my value boxes - but there was often a deeper sense in me that whispered, “This still isn't aligned.”

At first, as a recovering codependent, I worried this meant I was broken. Maybe I couldn't accept or love healthy men. But that explanation didn't sit right with my soul. I've been working on anchoring into my self-trust for years now, and I've learned to recognize the difference between when something is truly aligned, when I'm doubting myself because of old habits, and when something just isn't right for me.

So I kept reading, researching and reflecting.

That's when I came across a couple YouTube videos by Teal Swan – wants and needs (Click the links to watch - I do recommend)

A quick note before I go further: Teal Swan can be a controversial figure. Yes, I've watched The Deep End - of course she claims it was edited to make her look crazy and I can believe that's possible. It’s hard for me to say either way. However, I appreciate her because she often clearly articulates deeply valid and thought provoking points. That said, I don't subscribe to everything she teaches or stands for. If you know me, you know I don't subscribe fully to anyone for that matter. I take what resonates and leave the rest, and encourage you to do the same.

In these videos, she gets very real about needs (and wants). Her perspective aligned with other works I've been reading - Existential Kink, The Mountain Is You, and Women Who Love Too Much. The core concept is this: if you don't consciously know what your needs are, you will try to meet them unconsciously through maladaptive strategies. In other words, you end up chasing acceptance and love from people or things that cannot (or will not) love you the way you truly need.

We'll be exploring this concept of maladaptive strategies in greater depth at the Self-Trust Retreat on Sunday October 19th. Click Here to learn more.

These maladaptive strategies often form when we are young. And in some ways, they worked at the time... they helped us cope with our life or survive. But as adults they now undermine our ability to create healthy, conscious relationships.

Core Needs: The Foundation of Healthy Connection

First of all, to clarify: Needs are not demands. They are not hurdles for someone to jump over to earn your love. They aren’t forcing someone else to prove themselves to you. They aren’t about controlling someone else’s behavior.

Needs are an invitation into deeper intimacy, reciprocity, and connection.

Real needs arise from radical Self Acceptance honoring what allows you to feel safe, seeing, and loved.

Too often we're taught to deny, suppress or bypass our needs in service of others. But when we return to our own inner knowing, we can name the truths that help us thrive. Naming our needs is not about scripting how someone must show up; it’s about standing in what supports our wholeness.

Understanding and being able to articulate our needs offers others a clear invitation into how to love us well.

The process of coming to accept my core needs in relationships was not easy on the Ego – and it’s taken lots of time and reflection. It has required radical honestly about what I was really trying to get through my maladaptive strategies. I can tell you, when I would get close, I DEFINITELY experienced the unleashing of some viciously protective shame gremlins (Brene Brown).

The power in this process is that we can work BACKWARDS. If we can make it through the discomfort of admitting how we are passively trying to control others, we can work backwards to see what our needs are.

For example, I realized one thing I really wanted from men I admire was attention (and trust me - admitting that felt SO humiliating and gross to me). Yes I can also go down a rabbit hole about why I have this wound – but that’s not the point here. Although if you don’t know where these needs are coming from, it’s worth examining and doing inner child and family pattern work, etc.

Anyway it goes like this….

From Want → Strategy → Core Need Revealed

Surface Want:

·       I seek attention from men I admire because I want a relationship

Maladaptive Strategies I used:

·        Over-giving (trying to “earn” their care/attention)

·        Info-dumping (oversharing in hopes of creating connection faster)

·        Chasing (pursuing instead of allowing mutual interest to emerge)

·        Distraction/Loosing Focus (letting thoughts about them take up too much of my energy)

Core Need Beneath It:

·        I need to feel cherished — to be seen, valued, chosen, and honored for who I am, not for what I perform or give.

So here is an exercise for you…

Journal Exercise: From Want → Strategy → Core Need

Step 1: Name the Want (or behavior from someone else you are hoping to get)

Write down something you think you want in relationship.

Example:

• Partnership Example: “I want my partner to plan date nights.”

• Friendship Example: “I want my friend to invite me when she goes out.”

Step 2: Notice the Strategy

Ask yourself: Is this a strategy for something deeper?

Example:

• Partnership: Date nights are a strategy for feeling chosen and prioritized.

• Friendship: Invitations are a strategy for feeling included and valued.

Step 3: Reveal the Core Need

Ask: What core need is underneath this strategy? What helps me thrive?

Example:

• Partnership: The core need is to feel cherished and important.

• Friendship: The core need is to feel belonging and connection.

 Now rewrite your original want as a need statement:

• Partnership: “I need to feel cherished and prioritized.”

• Friendship: “I need to feel a sense of belonging and value in my friendships.”

What I realized was that I was trying to extract from people who couldn’t or wouldn’t give it, the feeling of being cherished. When I became honest about this, and recognized the pattern, it helped me pull back my energy from those who could not or were not ready to give me what I needed and get back into my own lane. In other words – for the time being - how can I work to meet that need in other, healthier ways – while still maintaining hope that I will meet someone who will in time, cherish me in romantic partnership (by their choice, not my manipulation)?

It also allowed me to recognize the ways this need is already being met by people around me who love and cherish me, even if they aren’t romantic partners. This landed me squarely in GRATITUDE. And if you come to my Circles, you know I talk a lot about the importance of deep and true gratitude. It is transformative and relieves so much suffering we put onto ourselves when we focus on what we DON’T yet have, instead of what we DO have.

I will share with you what I came up with not just for my core needs but also how owning them is healing old wounds withing myself. Keep in mind, this was created after YEARS of inner child work, personal coaching & reflection, and heaps of radical honesty (Also I HIGHLY recommend The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck). Each of us has our own wounds, our own needs, our own timeline, and our own journey. But healthy and happy relationships HEAL each member – romantic or platonic.

They heal because they embody reciprocity – not control, hierarchy, co-dependency, or imbalance.

Naming and owning my core needs below felt huge for me. I feel like I’ve been circling around this concept for YEARS and finally hit a bullseye. When I feel discontent, anxious, or my maladaptive strategies coming on-line, I can look at this list and assess what might be missing or what I might be trying to get from others, which gives me greater control of my own life. I feel more personal empowerment and more rooted in self-trust - and less at the mercy of my nervous system and past patters. It really is a game changer.

Healing Map of My Core Needs

(Again - this is MY personal list. Yours may look different and that’s ok!)

• Protection

• Need: To feel safe and protected physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially, with stability, generosity, and mutual respect for resources and worth.

• Heals: The wound of feeling unsafe, unprotected, or having to fend for myself; the fear of losing what I have or being left without security.

• Emotional Safety

• Need: To freely express my whole self and be received with care, without judgment or dismissal.

• Heals: The wound of being silenced, shamed, or told my emotions and words are “too much.”

• Companionship

• Need: To share life through quality time, connection, and true togetherness.

• Heals: The wound of loneliness, isolation, “waiting” on someone who is unavailable, or feeling unseen in the ordinary rhythms of life.

• Equal Partnership

• Need: To feel balance, reciprocity, and personal responsibility — being a partner, not a caretaker.

• Heals: The wound of carrying too much, mothering in relationships, and feeling over-responsible for others.

• Personal Freedom & Sovereignty

• Need: To maintain my individuality while staying deeply connected in love.

• Heals: The wound of losing myself in relationships, of being controlled, or of collapsing my identity into someone else’s.

• Conscious Growth

• Need: To evolve together in commitment, awareness, and mutual intention.

• Heals: The wound of being with partners who are asleep to themselves, stuck in cycles, or lash out from unacknowledged wounding, leaving me alone in the work of awareness and growth.

• Cherishment

• Need: To feel deeply valued, seen, and treasured — with tenderness, passion, and care, including responsible generosity as a natural expression of love.

• Heals: The wound of equating being cared for with laziness or shame; the wound of conditional love tied to money; the fear that receiving creates resentment or has other negative emotional or physical repercussions.

THE WHY

I usually start with The Why - but here it is at the end.

Honoring and expressing our needs is radical because it challenges cultural assumptions that a “good” spouse or friend is one who endures, adapts, self-sacrifices, or serves - not one who openly names what they require. It disrupts unhealthy power balances.

Knowing our needs and being able to express them is the opposite of control. It’s sovereignty.

We’re saying: “This is who I am and this is what I need to thrive, and I won’t abandon myself or my Center.” It’s not selfish or unrealistic. It’s groundwork for healthy partnership. Without it, relationships default into numbness, appeasement, or unconscious power struggles.

Additionally, your partner, family member, or friend cannot meet your needs (or you theirs) if no one in the relationship is conscious of what their needs are in the first place! So it is worth at least TRYING to start this process – even if you don’t come to a list like mine right off the bat.

Here is a very basic journal practice that is a good place to start exploring needs. Think about when you feel anxious and worried verses when you feel loved and at peace. What can you identify?

The Need:

I need __________________________.

When I don’t get this, I feel __________________.

When I do get this, I feel __________________.

The final takeaway: Let go of maladaptive strategies of control. Instead honor your needs as your own - rooted in your center, and ultimately embrace that they are your responsibility to acknowledge and own. At the same time, allow those who love you to step in. By expressing your needs openly and honestly (sticking to “I” statements not “YOU” statements - we talk about this in Circle), you invite others into deeper connection, while maintaining your center. That is, without collapsing into control on one side - or - hyper independence on the other.

Owning our needs is not selfish. It is the foundation of every healthy relationship, starting with the one you have with yourself.

As always if you want to work into this deeper, please check out my 90 Days to Change.

This is the work of a lifetime - but it starts today.

With Love,

Reh